I stumbled across a page from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency that really made me laugh.? I’ve spent two evenings on the page now and have probably seen very, very little of it.? Here are some favorites, aside from the one linked above.

• The entire lists section is very entertaining about half the time.? The titles give a pretty good idea of what the list is about, so click with care kids.
• A brand new post of a letter rejecting Gregor Samsa for SSI.? This is a pretty high brow joke.? English majors and trivia buffs will get it, probably no one else.
• This one, one of many monologs imagined by the writers.? It is really only interesting because I once saw a gator and a shark living in harmony.

There’s a lot more - but be warned some posts may be offensive.

On Wednesday I went to the mall with my sister and brother-in-law to look at photographs of the newest kid taken at Picture People.? This is a place sort of like Olan Mills or other photograph studios, only more hip and quicker.? So…its the same.

So we got in around 8:00 and there are two staff members present.? One is a young guy, probably just two or three years out of high school.? The other was, I am told, also a guy, though some debate lingers.? Here are some of the observed facts: breasts, womanly curves (hips and butt) and a very thin and neatly trimmed mustache.? When Aroesmith’s Dude Looks Like a Lady came on the radio while we were in the shop, R and E were barely able to contain their laughter.

But it was the other guy who was to help us on this evening.

So the other guy was trying to sell pictures to R and E while I tried to entertain myself.? I asked: “So, you guys shoot softcore porn in here at night, right?” He says, “No” and then winks at me.? I look at R and E and they look at me.? “Did that just happen?” we ask with our eyes.? Then the dude goes for his wallet!

“No!” we all scream.

“It’s not bad,” the guy insists.? “Let’s just say dating the assistant manager has its benifits.”

He shows us photos of his plus sized lady in various, fully clothed poses.? We’re polite.? We smile and nod.? “Very nice,” we say.

Weird!

Those of you who know me know that I can tell some really great stories about really bad birthdays. In the past I’ve spent my special day throwing-up all day, fighting with friends and family or even letting it go unnoticed.

This one was good though. I got up early to play golf with my brother-in-law E. Golf is hard - don’t let anyone tell you that its not. The truth is golf is the only thing I subject myself to that I am a complete and total failure at doing. It’s not that I get bogies when I want birdies and its not that I have a really, really bad hook. These are things that every golfer faces - even the pros from time to time. No, my problem is that I miss the ball…a lot. I’m talking sometimes seven or eight swings of the club to move the ball fifteen or twenty feet down the course.

It was hot yesterday. So hot that I didn’t finish the nine holes we’d agreed to play. I got through seven and had to stop. I was frustrated, sore and terribly hot. E was as encouraging as he could be. He reminded me that I only play about once a year (it was, in fact, one year to the day since we’d played last) and that I should just spend some time on the driving range to get my swing under control. To encourage me he gave me his spare set of clubs. Thanks E! Now I have to actually practice so next year I can show him my mad skillz.

There were birthday greetings scattered throughout the day. T, a girl from work, put a note on my car making her the first person to with me well, S sent a text message and J left a voicemail. My sisters T and J both called and I got to speak to my niece E for a few minutes (we share the birthday).

For dinner last night the family went to an Italian bistro in Knoxville. R and E bought my a steak dinner and there were presents. E and R, in addition to the golf clubs gave me a cap and a DVD. The nephew B who is always allowed to select the gift from him, got me a nifty pair of Simpsons boxers. From mom and dad was a shirt and a card. T has mailed a hat and she says something else - it should be arriving very soon I am told.

After dinner I went to the mall with R, E and the kids. The actual purpose of our visit will be gone over in another post as its just too good to bury four paragraphs down in this one, so I’ll leave it at we got ice cream and I got a flat tire.

Now back at home, S came by for some quality hanging out time. We went and got ice cream again, paid a visit to everydaycompanion.com to see what Panic was playing in Lousiville and that was pretty much the end of my day.

Thanks to everyone who made my day a good one. Birthdays are a funny thing. I personally think that everyone should get their own birthday off work. A special day just for you, like Presidents Day or Labor day - a day to recognize all that you do to support your employer and government.

So here’s to thirty. May it be better than 29.

I was speaking to my friend A at work today and told him that I’d be turning 30 next week.? I asked him if there was anything I needed to watch out for.? His answer:? 17 Year olds.

I was stumbling around the web this evening and came across a blog that wasn’t all that interesting but had a neat flashing link that took me to this site, a Blogger’s Disclaimer. I won’t ask you, my loyal reader(s), to read this entire thing. Instead, I’ll give you some of the best bits and my thoughts.

If you have a real life relationship with the writer, remember that communication is very important. View weblogs as online journals, no less sacred than a diary hidden between the mattresses.

Sorry kids. If you think your blog is as sacred as your diary, you probably need to go back and read up on how the WORLD WIDE WEB works. There is no privacy - you should not expect any.

If they do not want you reading it, or suddenly stop posting entries, ask them why and if necessary, stop going to the site. It is important that as a friend, relative, co-worker or whatever you may be to the writer, that your presence at their weblog not impede their ability to express themselves.

Once again, if you post something on the web, your rights to have any say over who reads it are pretty much gone. If you don’t want your mom reading about what you do alone in your room, best not post it on the web there chum.

Never use anything off a person’s site, be it writing, images or html code, unless they say otherwise. People are very attached to their work and don’t usually respond well when others help themselves to it.

This one I really don’t have an issue with. I just thought it’d be ironic.

Sorry this was so late today.? I got carried away with working on my new style sheet.? Since I can’t skip week two, well go with better late than never.

• If you’ve never seen Japanese television shows you’re really missing out on some strange programming.? TheJapaneseareCrazy.com has a pretty good sampling.
• This is just funny.
• A few months ago sister’s kid Benjamin and her step-son Josh were tiring of each other’s company.? Josh came walking out of the bedroom saying ‘Quit following me’ with Benjamin hot on his heels saying ‘Quit following me’ in a mocking tone. Benjamin was barely three at the time.? Already a smarty-pants.? Nice.

Today there were two events that would cause one to question my manhood. They occured within about one minute of each other.

1. My friend Alan was quite shocked that not only had I seen Strictly Ballroom, but could quote it with accents and all (both Spanish and Australian!) and poked him in not only the chest, but the forehead as well.

2. Just a few seconds later Alan was talking about how pop songs can be changed slightly to fit various styles of dancing. He couldn’t remember that horrible song from that horrible movie Titanic. Sadly, my desire to show off my wealth of knowledge won out over my need to recover some of my hetrosexuality.

So I feel I should add something here just so the ladies don’t think I’m ’safe’. Then again, maybe they’ll be attracted by the thought of my being off limits. Plus, if the girls think I’m gay they won’t think twice about changing in front of me. Maybe I can even wrangle an invite to a slumber party / pillow fight / mixing alcohol with truth-or-dare party.

One of my team members had the following call today:

Agent: Thank you for calling *****, my name is *****. May I help you?

Caller: I’m running with scissors.

A: Um…do you have a reference number?

C: I’m running with scissors. Its dangerous. You can’t stop me.

A: Um…do you have an ID number?

C: I’m running with scissors. Do you want to run with me?

A: Thank you for calling *****, have a good day.

On a side note: Did you know its now okay to say something like “I’m going to have to use a scissor on it.” They’re no longer a ‘pair of scissors’ which makes me want to know what happened to the other half.

We have a system that is supposed to identify employees who are high risk for attriting, or leaving the job for those who don’t know corporate speak.? It’s basically a spreadsheet with poorly identified fields for you to add your team members and your boss is supposed to have an intervention to help correct the problems.

I have been accused for weeks of not being compliant with this process.? The thing is I make stuff up every week so I will appear compliant.? Today I found out why.? Yesterday, June 19th, I added two agents to the high risk tracker.? I did so on the tab labled June 19th.? The next tab was labled June 26th - weekly tabs for our Monday through Friday business; perfectly logical.? This is where my crutial error occurred.? It seems that I should have placed them on the tab marked for next week as we want to be able to plan ahead.

What?

We have a visitor from corporate who is there to audit our files - make sure we’re compliant and all. I walked into Dave’s office to see the corporate lady sitting there. I spoke to Dave for a few minutes and was about to go when Dave asked if she’d audited my folders. The following exchange took place. Seguir leyendo »