A long, long time ago I used to try and think up projects for my friend Mel to do to annoy her boyfriend Lance. Naturally she rarely did any of them and most I can’t remember, but there was one that I always wanted someone to do. It’s too late for me as the next person I live with will be able to withhold sex for stunts like this, so I’m posting it here in the hopes that someone will be inspired.

Get a brand new pair of shoe laces. Flaunt them in front of your roommate, don’t even open them. Wait for a few days, leaving the unopened package on the coffee table. Talk about them, blog about them, sing their praises. After a few days, go ahead and open them. Play with them for a few days. Tie them, untie them, have fun. Don’t put them in your shoes.

Get a second pair and repeat, only do it faster this time. Open them on the second or third day. Get a new pair the next day and open this pair as soon as your roommate see you’ve picked up another pair. Keep going until your roommate says something about it. Stop doing it in front of him but don’t stop buying shoe laces. Hide it from your roommate, but do it really poorly. Deny, deny, deny.

Keep going until there are shoe strings everywhere. Fill drawers with them, the cupboards, the fridge. Keep denying that they’re yours. Complain to your roommate about his shoelaces being all over the place.

When you’re in danger of losing your roommate, get rid of all the shoelaces in the place, including the ones in his shoes. Tell your roommate you had a problem but your getting help. Refuse to talk about it further.